


This is Weird

by Memory25



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Clint's ass is sexy, Everything weird that can happen will happen, Gen, Steve has brain room, Steve learning history in a flash, Steve wants privacy please, Tony is confused and pissed off, Yes to me, not to me, ohgodwhy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 16:57:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10881057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Memory25/pseuds/Memory25
Summary: This is what you get when you smash Captain America's psyche with a teenage girl's. A study on awkward. OC-insert because there's a distinct lack of teenage girls in Avengers. Warning: Prepare to feel very awkward.





	1. Establishing Premise

**Author's Note:**

> So...I've decided to just upload this random idea I had for a fic. It's probably inappropriate and not very well-written, but I just wanted to put it out there. If I have something more to it, I'll probably rewrite it and add chapters, but at the moment this is just a one-off idea I had quite a while ago. Tell me what you think?
> 
> Also: This is slight wish-fulfillment (somewhat bizarrely, yes my mind is a strange place) so there's one part where the OC was basically OP. But since it's only in a highly specialized environment, I guess it's okay? That's basically her single chance of being all-powerful. :P

 

"This is weird."

Steve Rogers snorted as he looked down at the _naked_ teenage girl in front of him. He was similarly unclothed, which was very obviously distracting her, but she made a commendable effort to ignore all the nudity waving in her face.

"I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be in here with another person," she muttered, eyes fixed determinedly somewhere beside his left ear. "In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be in here with _Captain America. Naked."_

"Well," he shrugged, "You never know what people are up to these days."

She shot him an incredulous look, surveyed the tiny cylinder-shaped cubicle they were in, and then returned to him with a raised eyebrow.

"Alright, so this is a lot stranger than the usual," he admitted, "You don't happen to know where we are, do you?"

She had many ideas, several of which made him chuckle at their inventiveness. Kids, these days. But she settled back into somberness and divulged what she felt was her closest idea. Which was actually rather upsetting and believable.

"I'm dead," she stated plainly, "I definitely died when I got mugged. So this is the place after life, which could be one: the _actual_ afterlife, which makes me wonder what _you_ are doing here since you definitely shouldn't have a problem with karma and should _definitely_ not be stuck in this crummy place with me. Especially since it isn't actually making things a hardship for me."

He raised an eyebrow at that but kept silent. As much as he wished to, even he couldn't deny the effect his after-serum body had on people. (He'd been hauled aside and kissed once, after all) And even if he'd somehow managed to ignore it, Tony would have made enough cracks that it was impossible not to. That, and well, people these days were a lot more open about this sorta thing _._

"Or two: this is the waiting area for the next step. Which may or may not be a good thing for me. After all, I'm in the same room as you…" the girl trailed off thoughtfully. He realized that he hadn't actually asked what her name was, and silently berated himself for forgetting his manners.

"I never asked your name," he quickly set out to amend that, offering a hand, "Steve Rogers, pleasure to meet you, ma'am."

"Claire Bennett," she nodded, "You'll forgive me if I don't shake your hand because I don't exactly have a spare."

He slapped himself over the head at that. Obviously she couldn't shake his hand when she was covering herself. The strange situation was definitely getting to him.

Claire was muttering to herself, "What comes next? Afterlife or reincarnation? I'm a free thinker, so I don't think I'm going to heaven, but Steve isn't. Soooo… Hm."

He realized there was a tiny detail he'd forgotten to share, "Claire, I don't think I'm dead."

She stared. And then, "What?"

Claire was a rather adaptable girl, because she digested the information with ease and brightened, "That's why you're here then! This is my pod, but you hijacked it somehow! Must be someone messing with afterlife stuff, but you ended up punted in here."

That made sense. He offered her an impressed look which she accepted with a preen before forging ahead, "But we need to get you out of here if you're not dead." She bit her lip and narrowed her eyes as she gave the 'pod' another onceover.

He tapped a wall experimentally. The sound it gave was not encouraging. He punched it, ignoring the pain of his knuckles and the deafening bang. There wasn't even the slightest give in the material.

Well, it wasn't as if he'd expected it to be that easy.

Claire had clapped her hands over her ears, prioritizing her hearing over her nudity. (Not that he was looking) She scowled at his apologetic look before pressing a palm to the wall.

To his surprise, it sunk in as if the material were jelly. He stared, and then pressed his fingers beside hers. To his consternation, the wall remained as unyielding as when he had punched it.

"I think only you can leave," he frowned. If this was a trap by a villain, it was definitely successful.

"Nonsense," Claire flapped a hand at him as she continued pressing until she was elbow-deep in the wall, "I'm the one who's dead, so it stands to reason that if anyone couldn't leave, it'd be _me._ The trick is belief. You expected the wall to be solid, so you can't pass through. I visualized it as jello and voila: jelly wall."

He frowned again, but shrugged and attempted to project a wall of liquid. This time, his hand passed through easily as if it were water. Claire gave him an impressed look before she too, was walking into the wall with ease.

It was only after they had fully entered the wall that Steve realized the problem. They were _in water,_ which meant that they couldn't _breathe._ He thrashed desperately and barely managed to stick his head back inside.

A tap on his shoulder made him flinch. He thought he had been getting better with the dreams, but he was obviously wrong. And to think, he had lost his head right there in front of a teenaged girl.

"Hey," Claire patted his arm awkwardly, _"SO…_ I think it's pretty obvious what just happened but erm, just think of a wall of air and then everything's solved!"

Right. Why didn't he think of that?

Steve gave the girl a grateful smile and turned back to the wall.

Minutes later, he was gritting his teeth in frustration. The shock he had received was working against him and forcing him to remember water and the feeling of being submerged. He couldn't think of it as anything other than a wall of water now.

He heaved a sigh and clenched a fist against his forehead. Here he was, a super soldier, Captain America, and he was failing to overcome a simple problem of visualization.

Beside him, Claire had been patiently silent. But at his sigh, she squared her shoulders and ducked into the wall with a grim determination reminiscent of Peggy. Frankly, he was impressed. He remembered his teenage years and patience hadn't exactly been the foremost thought in his mind.

She popped out of the wall again and snagged his arm. He gave her a worried look which she ignored as she hauled him into the wall. He wasn't sure what she was trying to do, but he couldn't allow Captain America to cower from water, and so he followed.

The cold hit him as he passed through the first layer and he shuddered. When his head went in, he squeezed her hand tightly. He couldn't do this. He just couldn't!

"Hey," Claire crowded into him and gripped his arm stubbornly, "open your eyes."

He shuddered again, but obeyed, holding his breath. Her dark brown eyes were the first thing he saw, and then the mulish expression on her face. He wondered if he was disappointing her and tarnishing her ideal of Captain America.

"Okay," She near-growled, taking his head in her hands, "deep breath. I'm visualizing water, but I'm also breathing in it. So you don't need to worry about air or water or even _rock._ Just believe you can breathe and you'll be fine."

"I can't," he gasped, nearly convulsing as bubbles left his lips.

"You _can,"_ she insisted, "Look at me, Steve. _Look at me."_ She pulled his face to her chest and took large exaggerated gulps of water-air. "You're _talking_ in water and that's impossible, so you can _definitely_ breathe in here. C'mon!"

He hadn't noticed that detail, but it was true, he had spoken clearly in water, which was impossible.

Surely, he could breathe too?

"Look at you," Claire beamed, still taking deep breaths, "You're breathing. There. Don't stop now. You're doing good. Just. Yeah."

He was breathing with her. The relief was nearly enough to bring him to his knees. Clearly, he was lucky to have gotten stuck with a girl stubborn and creative enough to overturn laws of physics with her mind. And spread it to him too.

He laughed shakily, "Thank you."

"Welcome," she deadpanned, "Please don't ever make me do that again. I'm not one for superheroing."

"Well, I don't know," he nudged her playfully, "You did pretty swell saving my life."

"You mean non-life," she corrected sarcastically, "Which incidentally means that you can't actually _die_ at the moment. Which also means you don't _actually_ need to breathe."

Which was actually a pretty good point, but he'd settle for being able to breathe in water without going into seizures. And she was sidestepping just like Tony did when he felt uncomfortable. How strange that a genius playboy billionaire superhero would be so similar to a teenaged girl.

Actually, that made a lot of sense. Huh.

"Alright," she declared, "No time like the present. Seize the day and all that. Let's get you out of here."

The reserve she'd had with him had disappeared from their little adventure, and she took his hand boldly and started swimming away from her afterlife 'pod'. He grinned and followed, adjusting the grip so that they were both holding on.

xXXx

"Okaaay, this is _really weird."_

Claire knew that she had a discombobulated look on her face as she said that, because she was feeling very discombobulated at the sight before her.

Steve had a similarly weirded-out look as he surveyed their surroundings. It was like the interior of an aquarium, but instead of sea creatures, there were all manner of strange aliens. Some looked like they belonged on the Alien and Predator set, while others resembled a mix of normal Earth animals.

Some looked even worse, because there were dimensions to them that she couldn't understand with her basic three and a half dimension brain and they hurt her eyes just _looking_ at them. One made her feel as if she was looking from more than one direction at the same time, and the disorientation was so bad that she tripped.

"Ughh, what _are_ those things?" she whined when she had righted herself. Steve was marching on stoically, flinching minutely each time he caught sight of one of those aliens with too many or too few parts. She wondered if the serum would alter his brain to four or five dimensions if he stared long enough, but didn't want to risk the change that would be done to him. What if Steve turned into a five dimensional alien to accommodate that? She shuddered.

When they reached the end of the strange aquarium, she huffed in relief. There were three doors with different inscriptions on them, but she didn't care. If the episode with the water wall proved true, then as long as she believed that the path would lead Steve home, it would.

Picking a door at random, she strode confidently in, pulling Captain America along.

xXXx

Claire was not just stubborn, Steve realized. She was completely and utterly, beg pardon, _mule-headed._ He'd been apprehensive at the three doors, but she had simply flung one open and walked through without so much as a glance at the writing on it. When he questioned her, she maintained her belief that, well, belief was all they needed.

Something that she was proving truth as she basically smashed a charging… _thing_ away with the power of her mind.

Beyond the door she had chosen, they had had a brief moment to observe their surroundings before they were set upon by aliens similar to the ones in the previous room. Steve had lamented choosing the wrong door, but Claire had been adamant that the issue had not been doors.

And she had set about proving it by walking unrelentingly in a straight line to the end, sending attackers sprawling out of her way. Even mid-charge. Even when there were giant balls of fire flying at her. Even when the ceiling caved in.

One poor alien had managed to come right in front of her and roar in her face only to be flattened to the ground by some unseen force and getting stepped on rather viciously.

As things went, this was probably the easiest fight he had ever partook in, since all he had to do was follow Hurricane Claire as she blasted her way through.

At the end of the path, he turned to his diminutive heroine and grinned, "Well, that was easy."

"Piece of cake," she winked, looking back at the chaos with glee reminiscent of Clint when he had permission for the exploding arrows. With a rather malevolent giggle she declared, "Like I said, power of belief."

Teenagers these days.

"I'm beginning to believe that," he replied dryly, looking down at the last trod-upon alien that had gotten in her way. It gave a hilariously miserable little whimper as he nudged it with his foot.

With one last admiring look at her work, Claire reached out and hauled open the door.

xXXx

Steve awoke with a slight jolt. He blinked and stared at the man in front of him in confusion before it returned to him. Right. Villainous sorcerer, ritual of blood, world domination MO. He hefted his shield and pounded the victoriously monologuing guy over the head. Twice.

"Alright, team," he spoke into his comm, "Target down. Can someone send the specialist to disable the spell now?"

"What the fuck happened just now?" Iron Man demanded in his ear, "You were completely unresponsive for ten minutes. And Voldemort over there kept jabbering on about trapping you in between life cycles and shit."

"It was some sort of illusion," he replied shortly, deciding to forgo the details. Especially the nudity. Who knew what Stark would do with that? "I broke out of it." He sent a silent thank you to Claire and her stubbornness.

_You're welcome._

He jumped.

_Yes, yes. Can we skip the freak out? I came along for the trip back because magic. Well, probably because I was thinking of your body as the destination because we were trying to get you back and the door apparently didn't discriminate. Huh. Who knew resurrection was so simple?_

He pinched his nose, "Jesus."

_Christ. Hey, do you think we could get our names in the Bible since we were resurrected too? And heyyy, Thor knows magic, doesn't he? You could ask if he has a solution. Or even that 'magic specialist' dude who's supposed to deal with this stuff._

"Good idea," he murmured, slightly less worried.

"What idea?" Tony's voice piped up in his ear.

There was a brief exchange of 'expressions' between him and Claire, mostly some shared impressions of Tony Stark, and the general consensus of him being annoying, before he sighed, "We have a problem."

"What's wrong?" this time it was Clint who spoke up. _Ooooh, Hawkeye!_

Steve choked at the sudden admiration of Clint's arms and ass before replying in a strangled voice, "The spell worked."

xXXx

"So, let me get this straight," Tony rubbed his hands gleefully. Steve wasn't sure whether he wanted to know what was going on in that particular 'genius' mind at the moment. "You were hit by the spell and sent into limbo by Wizard-boy and ended up with a teenage girl who rescued you and is now stuck in your body with you."

_I like the rescue part._

_Sure, credit where credit's due. You were probably the only reason why I got out in the first place._

_Now that's a little far…_

"Hey, hey, hey," Steve blinked at the hand waving in his face, "Earth to Cap, helloooo?"

He caught the fingers and gave him a mild glare, "What is it, Stark?"

"You were spacing out again, Rip Van Winkle," Tony Stark grinned, an expression that showed more teeth than Steve felt necessary, "Oh, were you having a sleepover with WonderGirl?"

_I wonder what happens when we sleep, actually. Will you be able to sleep if I can't? Or will you need more sleep because I do?_

He ran a hand over his face, _I have no clue. I'm actually hoping we won't have to wait long enough to test that._

_Like all your problems ever go away that conveniently?_

… _point._

"Hey, hey, heyyyy," Again, mechanical fingers were in his face. He huffed and slapped them away.

"Stark. Stop that."

"Well, you were zoning out on me. I mean, you didn't even answer my question. _Rude."_

"Yes I was talking to Claire, Stark," Steve sighed. "And she also says to tell you not to interrupt our conversation," he added, "It's _rude."_

"What, letting a teenage girl fight your battles now?" Tony snarked.

"I wasn't aware we were fighting," he replied mildly. He had a lot of practice at that. Snickers filled the back of his head.

It earned him a squinty-eyed look, "Sureee…so now what? She getting comfy in there? Plenty of space I'm sure."

The barking laughter echoing in his head made him scowl. _It's not funny,_ he shot at her.

_Yes it is,_ she replied.

_It's rude. And I thought you were on_ _**my** _ _side!_

_I'm rude. I_ _**like** _ _laughing at other people's humiliation. I'm on whoever's snarkiest's side. I'm a terrible person, okay?_

_That's not…_

Great, he couldn't even win an argument against a teenager girl in his head. Why was she siding with _Stark_ of all people?

_Because he's funny?_

_At my expense._

_At your expense. Yes. You can afford it, after all!_

"Hey, heyyyyy!" Fingers clicked in front of him again as he resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the mental nudge he had received, "Am I going to have to leave you two alone for a while?" Iron man put his hands on his hips, "You know, give the both of you some time for yourselves and maybe you'll actually _listen to what I'm saying?"_

A thought that wasn't his own ran through his mind, bubbly and giggling. Unconsciously, his lip twitched. He stared at his disgruntled teammate carefully, noting the signs that she had pointed out.

"What?" Tony Stark crossed his arms over his chest, shoulders hunched defensively, _"What?"_

"Nothing," he maintained his calm veneer, "Claire just had a funny thought."

"Oh, _Claire,_ is it?" Stark's mouth twisted, "Glad to see that you're getting along, then. _Anyway. As I was saying…"_

_Boy, he's really getting his panties in a twist from that._

The imagery really wasn't something he needed to see.

Then again…

_I don't think Stark wears underwear, the way he carries on._

_Oooooh! I like that thought!_

Steve winced and slapped a hand over his eyes to prevent them from tracing over Tony's bodysuit. He hadn't really wanted to know what a 'pantyline' was but Claire's thoughts had informed him anyway. It was all really uncomfortable and inappropriate.

_Captain, I'm pretty sure the suit you wear is pretty inappropriate._

_B-but it's body armor!_

_Pretty_ _**tight** _ _body armor… If SHIELD's selling you as propaganda for the pro-Avenger's campaign it's definitely working. All that skintight, junk-revealing stretchiness would bring all the girls to your yard._

_That…t-that's INAPPROPRIATE!_

_Sue me. I'm a teenager._

"You know," Tony crossed his arms and glared, "All this _not paying attention to me_ is really _pissing me off."_

_Ooooo snippy!_

_Claire…_

"I'm sorry Stark," Steve sighed, "I'm still getting used to…it's talking but also a little like my mind switching tracks on me."

_Oh, I didn't know that…guess it's true that men can't multitask._

_Claire!_

Iron Man lost the scowl, eyes softening slightly, "Oh. Well. I guess that's alright." He cocked his head, "You mean you feel like you're switching perspective?"

"Yes," he nodded, "I can't ignore her because the…talking…is like I'm thinking something and she thinks something and the topic is the same but we're going back and forth with different opinions on it and I end up focusing on that instead of you. When she doesn't really think something at me, I can still listen to you, but all her thoughts are at the back of my mind too…and she says it could be that she's female and her mind works differently and I don't think the same way so I'm trying to…to…" He trailed off, eyes going distant again.

"Oh boy," Tony wrinkled his nose, "Try not to get too close. You don't want to understand how a woman's mind works."

"Teenage girl," Captain America replied absently, still gazing at nothing in particular.

"Teenage girl," Iron Man repeated with deep sympathy, shaking his head, "you're doomed."

 


	2. When Unlike Poles Meet

_So this is where you guys live. Niceee._

Steve scrubbed at his face tiredly as he obligingly took the ‘scenic route’ to his room. He was pretty sure there were security reasons why he shouldn’t, but there weren’t any parameters for a situation like this. It wasn’t like Claire was a villain anyway, and she’d already gotten flashes of confidential information from him thinking and reading stuff.

_I think you can go take a shower now. Even I’m starting to feel the ache and—did your rib just pop back in place? Wow. That felt **weird.** Yowch! Careful about that vase!_

Diving to the ground, he sighed in relief as the little porcelain vase landed in the cushion of his palm. That had been a close one.

_That looks Chinese. Ming dynasty. The colour is duller but there’s little to no bleed through the lines._

He blinked and examined the piece again. _Really? What’s Ming? Is that really old? Is it expensive? It’s a good thing I caught it then._

Communication between the two was a little strange. Sometimes they’d have distinct conversations, in that there were two sides, but sometimes both voices sort of melded together, which was why he received his answers nearly as quickly as he thought them. It was sort of like:

_Real-yeah-ly? What’s M-_ _明_ _朝_ _-_ _1368 to 1644…? Is it—old, very old—wow, that’s really… **Expensive.** It’s a good thing I caught it then._

_Yep._

He massaged his temple. The disorientation had been bad when it started, but the serum was already compensating for the strangeness of two minds in a single body. He hoped nothing too bad would happen, the ideas Claire had had about ‘serum adaptation’ were horrifying.

_Sorry._

_It’s fine. You can’t help how you think._

_?...!...@#$%...y-yeahhhhsssssshhhhhh..._

_!...Ow!...Th-thanks, yeah that’s good…just slow down…_

_I told you that doesn’t help! Better stop talking now or we’ll—I—no, stop, shut up, shut up, not thinking anything, nope, nope, nooooope_

_Stop! I can’t think over your nopes!_

_NOO—crapshitfuckouch sorry, sorry—quiet, shutupshutup, deeeeeep breath, hoooooo~_

“Cap? Capppp?? Helloooo??? Did the hyperactive teenage girl make your brain hang again? Earth to Captain America!”

“St-Stark?” Steve/Claire blinked together to get the flashing out of his eyes. Oh wait, that’s Stark/Tony Stark’s hand. Again.

_You know, he’s pretty much the only person who keeps bugging you about this. Everyone just goes ‘oh well’ but he’s **still** worried. _

_Claire please stop thinking about fanfiction while you’re defending Stark. You’re just making me avoid him even more._

_I can’t help it! Ever since the alien invasion a couple weeks ago the internet’s been **filled** with it. _

_Yes I can…I can see that. I really did not want to see **that.**_

_Blame Erskine for turning you into a beefcake._

_What’s a beef… **?! Claire!**_

_I won’t apologize for that. I know you’ve seen pin-ups. And…wow. Jane Russell. Mm-mmmm…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_Steve? I’m sorry._

_I’m sorta glad about how there’s more acceptance for sexuality, but that was a lotta hit a guy with. I mean, I knew about women’s suffrage but this is a lot._

_They were good memories? Well, at least you’re getting more up to date. Hopefully—yeah not talking about the serum. Sorry._

**Smack!**

“What in the world?! Stark!” Steve rubbed his cheek. It was already subsiding, but still.

Iron Man flapped his hand, “Ow. Geez, what is your face made of? I think that hurt me more than it hurt you! …Anyway, you’re still standing around with my Ming vase and you didn’t answer my question. Are you even going to be able to function normally?”

“It’s not too bad…”the supersoldier grimaced, “The headache’s been getting shorter an’ Claire’s getting better at separatin’. I just got a load of memories this time.”

“Oh, what about?” the genius leaned in, curiosity evident in his eyes.

Before he could reply, the shorter man blinked, “No. Wait. You need to clean up first. You stink. And you’re still holding my Ming vase. Can I have it back? Not that it’s particularly important or anything, but they don’t make them anymore, you know? And Pepper picked it. She’ll get angry if it broke.”

Any other time, Steve would have taken a moment to process all that, but Claire was a teenager prone to ‘verbal diarrhoea’ as well as the ability to ‘cut through bullshit’ and had no problem taking it in, “I’m going. I’m putting it back.”

He carefully placed the vase on its stand and jogged quickly to his room. _Both_ of them could feel how disgusting he was.

_…Wait. Am I going to see you naked? Again?_

xXXx

_So we meet again. Nudity._

_I guess it was a good thing we’ve already seen each other naked._

_…Well yeah…you know, this is the first time I’ve touched a dick?_

_Yes. Please try not to think too much._

_…_

_And by not think too much, I meant **stop thinking about STDs!**_

_Awww, you’re using the acronym!_

_Yes, it’s very…educational. That stuff about AIDs too. I can’t help but think that if I’d heard of it, I’d be one of those who believed that it was transmitted by homosexuality. I mean, with the information you shared, it very obviously doesn’t make sense, but…_

_…Yeah, I get it. I think so too. Not that I’m blaming you, but I guess you were raised with…hmm…I think you just infected me with Christianity. A little. I think your mom pretty much nailed the spirit of it. She’s awesome._

_Well, yeah, she was a nurse, y’know? She even had a high school certificate. So she knew a lotta ‘bout medicine and some sciency stuff, but she also Believed. An’ even though my Pa died a long time ago she still managed to bring me up. I was pretty sick, an’ the doctor fees weren’t pretty. She died when I was seventeen. Caught the chills—pneumonia? I’m not sure, no, no it wasn’t TB. It was quick, she didn’t suffer too much._

_…I feel spoilt. You make me feel bad—no, no, stop trying to comfort me, I insist on feeling bad. I want to feel bad. I’m a masochist like that—crap. SORRY! I’M SO SORRY!_

_You’re fourteen years old…why do you know so much about sex—INAPPROPRIATE! TH-THAT’S INAPPROPRIATE!!!_

_HOLY SHIT! OH NO. NONONONONO. DON’T LOOK, DON’T LOOK! I’M SORRY! MY BROTHER MADE ME WATCH 2 GIRLS 1 CUP! STOP!_

_@#$%! That’s **vile!** Why would?! **AUGH! THAT’S AWFUL!**_

**_IKR?! EWWWWWWWWW!_ **

_OHGOD—FUCK!_

_Did you just swear? I’m sorry. I made Captain America swear. That’s blasphemy or something._

_I’m going to ask Stark to invent brain bleach._

_That’s a goo— **NO! DO. NOT. FUCKING. REPLAY. IT.**_

_…You just stopped it! Wow! How—oh. Wow. Your brother is terrible. Worse than Bucky._

_He is. I get him back plenty though. Can we get out of the shower now? It’s great that we won’t run out of hot water but I was brought up on water conservation. No. Not that type of water conservation._

_…Golden showers._

_No. Ignore it. Ignore it. Oh crap, why did you have to be as morbidly curious as me?_

_I’m staying in the shower._

_Forget it. We’ll never be clean._


	3. Sweets Shenanigans

_This isn’t working._

_I know._

_So why are we still doing it?_

_I know._

_…_

_No, Claire. Stony is **not,** and will **never** be a thing. I am not humouring Stark’s curiosity on my psyche because I’m secretly in love with him because he resembles Howard. **Why** would **that** even be a question?! Don’t answer that._

_…_

_I said **don’t answer that!**_

_I didn’t! I mean, not intentionally! It’s called sharing a brain!_

_Can you not share my eyes too? I think Clint’s going to catch me staring at his…Oh look. Natasha’s glaring now. No, it does not mean that they are together. BlackHawk or whatever that is does not make sense. And it’s none of our business!_

_…_

_I said it’s **none of our business!**_

_God, alright already. Fineeee…ow! Did you just—you just pinched yourself to punish me!_

_The ends justify the means._

_That is some **hardcore** shit. You utter martyr._

_…_

_…_

_I just said it’s not working and we succeeded and we’re back to it again. God. This is just like ‘The Game’._

_What’s ‘The Ga—oh._

_Yeah, we lost._

_Well, we can start up again! Let’s start from 3, 2, 1!_

_…_

_I lost the game._

_I **know** , you sore loser._

_Only because you thought about it! Anyway, I don’t understand this game. What’s the poin—oh. Is this the main purpose of most things now? It’s starting to make some sort of sense but. Wow. Ow._

_Have fun with my entire life span’s worth of history lessons. And yeah, I love Google. And Wikipedia. It’s probably the only thing I need to survive school._

_Weren’t we just trying to **stop** what just happened? I mean, Tony even said that there may be possible side effects from the serum attempting to adapt to something that isn’t natural. Like two minds. And if we get you to move on I may not be able to return to normal. Or I’ll turn into a woman._

_…_

_Please stop thinking about Rule 63._

_…_

_Yes, I’ve started calling Tony by his given name in my mind. No, I am not falling in love with him._

_…_

_I am not even surprised by the genderbent fanart anymore. Female Tony is pretty, but I’m not falling for someone that doesn’t exist. I wouldn’t even fall for her if she hypothetically did exist in another universe because I am not secretly attracted to Tony Stark. Just annoyed._

_I hate how you got immune to all this so quickly._

_Blame the serum._

_Serum didn’t affect personality. Don’t even. This is all you. **You.**_

_Well gee, shucks._

_…_

_?! Wah—JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS—WHY DO YOU EVEN?! THAT’S AWFUL!_

_YES! A reaction!_

_Why do you enjoy making me horrified so much? You're just like Bucky!_

_..._

_..._

_I'm sorry please don't be sad anymore and here have a hug and a cookie and whatever mental comfort I can give you from my part of your brainspace._

_Thanks...I'd like some milk with those cookies._

_...That's just sad please stop the fake smiling go ahead and cry it's fine you can do it I'll lend you my mental shoulder! You can lean on me… Mentally. Not real-ly. Okay, I’ll promise that if we ever separate and I get a corporeal body I’ll lend you my shoulder all you want and even those times you really need one but won’t ask for it._

_…That’s so nice of you…Gosh…_

xXXx

Tony vacillated between staring at Steve and staring at the cookie in Steve’s hand, “You. You’re eating my cookies.”

The packet labelled ‘Chips Ahoy!’ was in his other hand, which he generously held out, “Want one?”

Tony was suspiciously silent for a moment as he glared at the package before he blurted out, “Is Claire on her period or something?” Then he made a cross with two fingers and hissed.

_…what? Uh. [Claire]_

Steve stared. _Uh?_

_Uh…huh! [C]_

_Oh! [S]_

_“Actually,_ Stark,” Steve blinked innocently at his fellow Avenger, “…I think she is. I’ve been getting odd cravings for sugar.”

_Chocolate!_

“Chocolate, to be more specific.”

_Ice-cream!_

“And ice-cream, what’s that by the way? I’ve never tasted.”

_You just finished the Haagen-Dazs in his fridge last night…_

_Shhh…Jarvis promised not to tell_

Tony Stark sputtered for a few moments before he clutched at his chest and cried out, “How could you! Steve! You traitor of your gender! You’re feeding the female monster! Stop that! You’ll get fat! You’ll get sugar high! You’ll worsen your cramps!”

_…How does he know so much about periods??? And WHAT DID HE SAY ABOUT GETTING FAT?!_

“…Tony? I…can’t get fat. Or sugar high. And I don’t have an actual period. Just the cravings…”

“Even worse!” Ironman did not falter as he swiftly changed his position, “You’re falling into hedonism! Succumbing to temptation! Getting lazy! Soft! Weak!”

There was a moment of silence when both Steve and Claire moved his eyes in the exact same dubious look at the person preaching at them about _hedonism._

And finished the pack of cookies themselves. 

**Author's Note:**

> So...thoughts? XD
> 
> This plot actually came from a half-dream half-nightmare of mine one night. Something about being stuck as a disembodied voice in someone else's body. The Avengers movie happened to be out then, and my fave is Cap so...I sorta wanted to try hijacking Cap's thought processes and utterly ruining his purity. I mean, yeah, he went through army and stuff, but his personality is just so straightlaced it's hilarious.
> 
> Review if you have ideas on what else should happen to Steve/Claire. No, this isn't a pairing, she's only...14? There will be inappropriateness because teenage brain, and no filter. Claire's owning most of it but now and again she'll think something that will make it awwwkwarrdddd...and then the two will try to not think at each other which is impossible and it will be the Battle of Awkward until someone gives up or Steve faints. XDDD Now isn't that funnn? I'll need awkward fodder though. So GIVE ME IDEAS! XP
> 
> And if you haven't realized it, this fic is my exploration on how hilariously awkward I can make things.
> 
> Memory25


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